Being a Stay-at-Home Parent

I find that many people who have never done it don’t really have a realistic idea of what being a stay-at-home parent entails.  They think they know (I know I did), and in some aspects their conceptions are accurate, but there are other areas where they really have no clue.  So, I thought I would share my thoughts based on my experience as a stay-at-home mom.

First, let me tell you that being a stay-at-home mom was never something I expected in life.  My mother worked (she was divorced and had to), and I always assumed I’d work.  And frankly, I really don’t like to do housework (though baking is great).  I wasn’t sure I’d like staying at home, but we could afford it and thought it’d be the best thing for our children.  So, I tried it, and, thankfully, I loved it!  But there have been some times when it has been very trying.  Staying at home is not for everyone.  I have friends who tried it and did not like it.  However, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

The Good

You set the schedule.

I am, basically, my own boss.  Yes, I have to meet the demands of my children, but until my firstborn headed to school, I always got to sleep as late as my little one would let me.  Aside from naptimes, I was able to decide when I would run errands.  I decide when to get dressed.  There is no dress code--in fact, dressing in sloppy clothes is often preferred as clothes tend to get food on them before the day is over.

Fun, fun, fun!

I get to do some REALLY fun things.  We go to the pet store or the zoo to look at the animals.  We can go shopping.  We color and do art projects.  We go for walks and go to the park.  There is much fun to be had that is also good for your kids.

Those amazing kid moments.

I get to see all the little things the kids do.  When you work, you are bound to miss some of the firsts:  words, steps, etc.  When you stay home with your kids, you get to see most of them (unless you let your spouse take over for a while when they do them).  You get to see their little personalities develop; you get to see all the funny little quirks as they develop.  You wind up with a lot of funny stories about what they said and did. 

Teaching your kids.

You get to teach your kids a ton of little things that make so much difference when they reach school age.  When reading to Tink, she would point to words and ask what they said.  Or she would ask about a certain letter, and we would talk about what sounds it made.  We would think of what other words start with that sound.  When she was eating berries and said “I had eight, but now I have seven,” we were able to start her on the road to simple addition and subtraction.  We get to play rhyming games.  We get to talk about shapes.  And best of all, she learns at her own pace.  I don’t have to pressure her.  I just have to give her opportunities.  Of course, she’s in school now and learning in a different way there, but we still take advantage of educational opportunities as they arise at home.

The Bad

Staying at home is not without its drawbacks.  And the drawbacks change somewhat depending on the age(s) of your child(ren).

First, there is the housework. 

I had imagined I would easily be able to stay on top of the housework.  However, the demands of the children make it pretty darn hard. 

First, there is the time issue.  With infants, if you nurse rather than using formula, they take anywhere from 20 to 45 minutes to feed.  And they do this about every two hours. I don’t mean they start two hours after they stopped—they start two hours after the last start time.  This means you have at most one hour and forty minutes between to do anything, and since you’re completely exhausted, you need to use at least some of this time to sleep.  I tended to try to alternate between sleeping during naps and doing some housework during naps. 

As they age, you become less exhausted, but they sleep less and move more, so you can only do housework during their nap or when you can put them somewhere that is very baby proofed AND still in eyesight.  Once they start climbing on the furniture, they need to be napping or strapped into their high chair feeding themselves in order for you to be sure they will be safe. Then they stop taking naps.  At that point, they can usually be trusted not to do too much to put themselves in danger, so you can try to get things done with them in eyesight, assuming you can get them to busy themselves for a while so you can work (I always try to avoid resorting to the TV, which always works, but it’s not good for them in large doses).  Sometimes that can require a good bit of cajoling or else ignoring of their whining and crying while you work.  Once they start going to school, you start to get on top of things again.  Of course, when I got to this point, I finally got pregnant with number two and had to start all over again.  Oh, well. 

Second, there is much more mess than you ever had before kids.  Let’s just take a look at the kitchen:  there are now baby bottles, dropped pacifiers, etc., in addition to yours and your spouse’s dishes.  As they age, there are more plates, bowls, cups, and silverware.  Plus, kids tend to drop things on the floor, so you may end up needing two or three of any of these items before the meal is finished.  After the kids eat, the table is a mess, their chair is a mess, and the floor is probably also a mess.  Factor in time to clean all of these things up three times a day.  Since you are preparing meals three times a day, you also have all those additional dishes.

And we haven’t even begun to talk about the rest of the house.  There is the extra laundry (and a lot of it since kids are messy and may need changing during the day).  There is the fact that if you pick up your toddler’s toys, he will follow behind you and pull them all out again.  If you vacuum the floor during naptime, your child is sure to find a way to track in some new dirt after naptime.  Bath time frequently ends with your wiping water off the floor and nearby walls. 

In short, don’t figure your house will be clean just because you stay at home with the kids.  Hopefully, once they get in school, your house will truly be clean again, but until then, learn to live with doing the best you can and not having a perfect house.

Toys everywhere.

The older the kids get, the more toys they have.  With a lot of diligence, you can teach them to put their toys away by the time they are three or so, but they frequently still need reminders and help with the organizational aspect from time to time.  So, no matter how you cut it, you will spend plenty of time picking up toys, tripping on toys, and trying to figure out how to store all of your kids’ toys.

Vacation?  Breaks?  Ha ha ha ha ha

You don’t get a vacation, ever.  Of course, you can have someone watch the kids for a few hours (and even as you enjoy your time away, you will miss them).  However, you can’t take, say, a week-long break from your kids--unless, of course, you have someone you trust to take care of your kids 24/7 while you’re away.  If your spouse is helpful and willing to take over for a short while when s/he gets home from work, that will give you a short break, but if your spouse has to work late, there goes that little bit of a break.  Potty breaks can also be difficult sometimes.  When they’re small enough, you can put them in a playpen or do it while they are napping, but there comes a point where your little one is into EVERYTHING and even the most baby proofed area of your house may not be safe for the time it takes you to visit the restroom.  In those instances, you have to be creative.  I have been known to set my son in the tub next to the shower where I can keep my eye on him.  Hey, whatever works, right?

Feeling Isolated and Lacking in Adult Time

Most stay at home parents I know have gone through periods of feeling isolated or of just wanting to be around adults for a while.  When you work, you take for granted the being within walking distance of another grown up to talk to about your job.  When you stay at home, you have to make an effort to find this kind of interaction.  When my daughter was first born, my lifeline was a friend of mine who had a one year old—she would call me at least once a week just to ask how I was doing and to listen to whatever I wanted to talk about.  I will ALWAYS be grateful to her for that.  Eventually, you learn to find activities where parents bring their children to interact during the day—you go to library story time; you join play groups; you make a lunch date with a friend who will understand when your baby starts fussing; you learn to call friends once in a while just to have contact with someone who knew you before you were “Mommy” (or “Daddy”) all day.  But until you figure this out, you can feel so lonely.  I honestly sometimes didn’t even realize how lonely and isolated I felt until a friend calls me and I realized how glad I was they did! 

There is also the factor that since your family is the central point of your life, sometimes people might get irritated with you for talking about them so much.  I remember telling someone close to me “Well, you talk about your family and your work.  My kids are my work.  Therefore, shouldn’t I get the same time to talk about my kids and parenting as you do about your family and your work combined?”

So, there you have it.  Staying at home with your children is a blessing, but it’s not as easy as those who’ve never done it probably think it is.  However, I definitely think it's worth it for our family.

The Gift of Parenthood

To be honest, I was not sure I wanted to be a mother.  I always hoped to marry some day.  I thought perhaps I would have children, but there were several points in my life where I thought maybe I didn’t want them.  By the time I met my husband, I thought I probably wanted one or two, but even when we were trying for our first, I thought I’d be okay if we didn’t wind up being able to have children.  Of course, now that I have them, I could not imagine life without them.  Funny how that works!

Being a parent has taught me an entirely new way that love manifests itself.  As a child, I always knew my parents loved me a lot.  Even so, I was SO unprepared for how much love I could feel for one little being!  The first time I held each of my children, I was overwhelmed by the love I felt.  Even when they are driving me nuts, I’m astounded by how much I love them.  There are no words to describe how I feel about my children, but all those stories you hear about parents who say they’d jump in front of a train to save their child are NOT exaggerations. 

The best thing about parenting is watching these little creatures who are entirely dependent on you grow and mature and learn to be independent.  Every time my little girl learns something new or every time my baby boy accomplishes a new physical feat, I’m so proud and so amazed at how fast they grow. 

Watching those young personalities develop is truly amazing.  Children see the world through fresh eyes and show us how to appreciate the things we’ve come to take for granted.  Their discoveries become my discoveries.

And you know the saying “kids say the darnedest things”?  Well, it’s so true, there isn’t a week that goes by that there isn’t something my daughter says that just makes me giggle!  I wouldn’t have missed this for the world!

My Doctor the English Professor?

Have you ever gone to a new doctor only to find that s/he reminds you of someone else and that this resemblance is more than mildly distracting?  I’ve had this happen on several occasions. 

I had a gynecologist who reminded me of my sixth grade science teacher.  Thankfully, the resemblance was passing.  Plus, I got pregnant and had to move to an OB, so I no longer and to worry about it. 

But then came the dermatologist quest:  my wonderful dermatologist left her practice to join a practice closer to her home.  I don’t begrudge her this move—nothing wrong with wanting to have more time with your kids, and a long commute makes that hard.  However, I sure do miss her.   So, I had to choose another doctor from her original practice or find another dermatologist.  Since her old practice is close to my daughter’s school, it is in the perfect location.  However, the first replacement doctor I chose looked almost exactly like  a college English professor I had.  On top of that, this doctor had the same type of quirky behavior as my English professor.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I respected and admired that professor.  She was a great mentor.  But having her doppelganger examine my moles was a little too weird.  So, I chose yet another doctor.

When I met the latest doctor, I liked her.  She was a little more like a motherly type.  But she also reminded me a little of my daughter’s art teacher.  The resemblance is not quite as close as the previous doctor and the English professor, but it’s enough to make me wonder if my old dermatologist is still on my health plan—maybe I should go further just to avoid being weirded out.  But, come to think of it, my original doctor does look a little like my friend from elementary school…